Roadtrip
by Ice fire and water
Summary: Voldemort's bored of fighting so suggests a break to his most loyal deatheaters. The results ROADTRIP! Completed
1. Chapter 1

**Roadtrip**

**A Harry Potter fanfic**

**A/N-** This started off in an English lesson as a joke someone threw into a conversation. I decided to write something about it to pass the time in English and a few other boring lessons after that. Anyway I have decided to share my creation with the world in the hopes that I bring a smile to everyone's faces. Awww, how sweet.

With thanks to everyone in English, most of whom will recognise themselves in this story.

The Beginning-

"Today," said Lord Voldemort in his "evil dictator" voice, " I have a very important announcement to make. Everyone listen." He waited for a while for his loyal death eaters to break off their various pursuits and listen to him. 10 minutes later he gave up on waiting and hit them all with an attention charm.

"I have had enough of that Potter brat. He can go chuck up for all I care. Just because some crazy old bat said that I have to kill him doesn't mean I have to NOW. I think that we could all do with a much earned break from death-eatering."

"What are you suggesting, O Lord-of-all-that-is-evil?" Bellatrix asked.

"More like Lord-of-the-hyphen," Wormtail hissed under his breath.

"What did you say?" Bella say, grasping her wand.

"Nothing, nothing," Wormtail hastily backtracked.

"Avada Kedavra!" Bella said, sweeping her wand over Wormtail. There was a flash of green light and a rushing sound along with someone tutting.

"Now Bella, why did you do that?" Voldemort asked his biggest fangirl.

"He smelt weird, and he was annoying me," Bella answered innocently.

"Oh well, no major loss there, on with the announcement. We're going on a," he paused for dramatic effect, "**ROADTRIP!"**

"**YAY!**" Narcissa squealed from a corner. Lucius looked around, puzzled.

"When did you become a Death eater?" he asked his wife.

"About two minutes after you did,"

"Oh" Lucius finished calmly, "That's nice,"

"So about this roadtrip," Bella asked, "Who's coming?"

"Me, you, Narki and Lucie, Sev, Greyback. Is Draco at school?" Voldie answered, ticking off his inner circle.

"Yes he is." Narki answered his question.

"Is he?" Lucius asked, again puzzled.

"Yes, he left home six months ago,"

"I knew something was different. I just thought you'd bought new curtains."

"**ANYWAY**, when do we leave?" Bella asked, stopping her sister mid thought.

"As soon as we're ready." Voldie answered.

"Knowing Narki that'll be in 5 years!"

Not quite 5 years later all the death eaters were packed ready to go on their roadtrip. The six death eaters stood outside Malfoy manor with all their luggage. Suddenly Voldie realised what they were missing:

"Erm, do any of you guys have a car?" he asked.

"No," was Bella's immediate reply.

"I wouldn't want anything so HUMAN!" Greyback was obviously very offended.

"Is that a yes?"

"**NO**"

"We do! We do!" Lucie shouted.

"No we don't we sold it 16 years ago,"

"Oh, We don't! We don't!" he shouted just as enthusiastically.

"I know someone who does." Snape said mysteriously, " He is old, has half moon spectacles and a long beard."

"You mean Santa's gonna lend us a car?" Lucius asked, whirling around as if to see the jolly christmas-gift giver behind him.

"No. Guess again."

"I hate guessing games," Lucius said moodily and stormed off to sit on a nearby bench.

"You mean Dumbledore don't you Severus." Voldermort said, growing tired of humouring his servant.

"Awww, you weren't supposed to guess yet." Snape said huffily and stormed off to sit next to Lucius.

"**YAY!**" squealed Narki, "We're going to Hogwarts!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Roadtrip**

**A Harry Potter Fanfic**

**A/N-** Thanks to all those who reviewed last time (grand total-3) I love hearing what people think of my writing. Also may I say that I have chosen my characters almost totally randomly…to those who don't know me that is.

**Disclaimer-**If I owned any of this do you think I'd be writing on fanfic?

After the beginning- 

Dumbledore carried his pensive over to his desk and began prodding it with his wand.

"Ooooo, shiny!"

The surface was indeed shimmering. Dumbledore continued to stare, transfixed, at the silvery substance in the pensive. Suddenly there was a knock on his door. He straightened up and turned around dramatically shouting,

"Enter!"

"Hey Dumbles! Old buddy, old pal! How's life treating you? Nice "Enter" by the way, very dramatic. Anyway I wanted to ask you a favour…" Voldemort came into the room, smiling jovially and looking around.

"What do you want Tom?" Dumbledore asked, trying to radiate an air of power, and failing.

"Oh, I just want to borrow your car for a while. I was thinking of taking my death-eaters on a roadtrip, you know how incredibly tedious all this killing can get after a while and I thought they deserved a break, you know, clear the air and everything. Except we can't go if we don't have a car and Sev said that you had one so could we please borrow it?"

"On one condition," Dumbledore said, narrowing his eyes.

"What?" asked Bella, reaching for her wand.

"**I wanna come too!"** Dumbledore shouted, happily.

"**YAY**" squealed Narki, jumping up and down.

XxXxXx

Soon afterwards the death eaters and Dumbledore were carrying Dumbledore's stuff down the stairs at Hogwarts.

"Sheesh, what have you got in here a dead body? You pack more than me!" Narki said, carrying a heavy trunk. Dumbledore immediately dropped the case he was carrying and whipped around.

"But I put that in the wardrobe…"

He was prevented from finishing the sentence by a squeal from the top of the stairs.

"**YAY! **Dumbly's going on holiday. Can we come professor?" It was Harry Potter along with some of the other students. Dumbledore couldn't quite remember all their names, Shortbottom, Chong, and the other one was something Malfoy. They didn't matter though, he knew Harry's name and Harry was the most important student, ever.

"Yes, yes, Harry you can come and bring Mr…Miss…your friends."

The four teenagers ran down the stairs.

"**DRACO!**" squealed Narki, hugging her son.

"Leave me alone mother, you're messing up my vibe!"

"Oh, sorry darling. I've missed you so much, your father too."

"Why do you miss father?"

"That's not what I…"

"Where is father?" Draco asked, eyeing Greyback,who was licking his lips, nervously.

"Oh he stayed behind with Severus, sulking." Narki said.

"Oh," said Draco calmly, " That's nice,"

"Right well that's everything, we'd better get going. Where do you keep your car. We can pick up Lucie and Sev on the way."

"**YAY**" squealed Neville and Narki together, "**WE'RE GOING, WE'RE GOING!**"

Bella reached for her wand but was too slow.

"_Silencio"_

Everyone looked at Dumbledore,

"They were annoying me!"

XxXxXx

Finally, after much coaxing and apologising for guessing too quickly everybody was in the car.With Bella, Narki(still silenced), Snape, Greyback and Dumbledore in the front and Lucie in the back with the kids. Voldemort was driving.

Dumbledore looked around at the Death-eaters and decided the mood needed lighteneing,

"We're all going on a…"

"SUMMER HOLIDAY!"

"Silencio!"

All the singers stopped abruptly except for Harry. Bella had accidentally doubled his volume.

"NO MORE WORKING FOR A, WEEK OR TWO, FUN AND LAUGHTER ON A…"

Voldie, the only person in the car not currently under a silencing charm or confused as hell performed the charm. Harry immediately stopped singing.

"Nice silencer Bella," he scoffed.

"Silencio"

"How was that?"

XxXxXx

CRASH

CRASH

CRASH

Bella gave up and looked around. Draco was bashing Harry's head against the window trying to get her attention so that she would take off his silencer.

"Yes," she said, removing the charm, "what?"

"Aunt Bella, I'm hungry, can we have lunch?"

"I suppose so," in saying this she lifted the silencers from the rest of the occupants of the car and Voldie pulled over at the nearest service station.

XxXxXx

The four teenagers and Lucie proceeded to run into the games room as soon as the car had completely stopped moving. The rest of the adults went to get coffee. Bella soon decided to check on the children.

"Aunt Bella, make Harry let me on the car game!" Draco whined.

"You know who can't play a car game, Cedric, because he's DEAD!" Cho wailed and ran off crying. Bella shrugged her shoulders and imperiused Harry. After this she hurried off to find a casino machine.

After some time Lucius came over to Draco and Harry.

"Draco! When did you get here?" he said, puzzled.

"I was in the car, sitting next to you,"

"Oh that's nice."

"Now can you go away dad, my vibe is like totally ruined with you here!"

"Oh, that's nice,"

XxXxXx

During this time Dumbledore and Voldie were contemplating the logistics of physics in the politically correct world of the day. Well, up until Dumbledore had been distracted by a shiny spoon. This prompted Voldie, in a somewhat unconnected fashion to ask:

"Do we have any money?"

"Werewolves do not…"

"Yeah, yeah we don't need a lecture on werewolf rights. I may have money or I may not. Nothing is ever certain. I have something in my pocket. It's round and shiny and can be exchanged for goods but is worth very little."

"**SHINY!"** All discussion was halted at this point in an attempt to free Snape from an attack on Dumbledore for long enough for the potions-master to give his boss the knut.

"You have a knut in your pocket?" Narki put in.

"You're not supposed to guess!" Snape huffed, looking disappointed.

"Right well Lucie and I can contribute 5 galleons, Dumbledore can give 5… Bella hasn't got any money. Harry could probably give 5 but Cho, Neville and Draco have no money… Fenrir, well, we know his views on money and Sev has a knut, that just leaves you Voldie, have you got anything?"

"No,"

"Well the we have 15 galleons to keep us all alive for the next week or so,"

"And a knut! Don't forget my knut!"

"15 galleons one knut"

"Well then the answer is simple, we have to earn some money," Dumbldore stated before returning to his examination of the knut in his hand.

"I have an idea!" Narki stated before taking in a breath ready to squeal-"**KARAOKE NIGHT!**"


	3. Chapter 3

**Roadtrip**

**A Harry Potter fanfic**

**A/N-** Well, thanks to chemistry this is written. Please review. XXX

**Disclaimer-** Mine, all mine, my only, MY PRECIOUS, alright most of it belongs 2 JK and the songs 2 hueva the songs belong to

The next bit- 

Karaoke night-

The roadtrippers had found a nearby club willing to let them do a karaoke slot and keep any money they were tipped. This gave them the rest of the day to decide what songs they were doing.

"Alright, we have to do this, painful as it might be, and so, EVERYONE will have to do something. Ok?" Voldie proposed. Lucie immediately answered.

"Yay! Can I do "Man, I feel like a woman? Narki can I borrow your red dress?"

"Wear your own orange one!" Narki snapped.

"Oh, ok,"

"Hey, greyback, you should do Dancing in the moonlight!" Harry teased.

"Ok if you do barbie girl."

Harry gulped but he wasn't a Gryffindor for nothing.

"Ok, I'll do it, if Snape does Mysterious girl, Peter Andre,"

It was Snapes turn to look apprehensive but the sight of his most hated student singing barbie girl tipped the balance.

"Ok but only if Cho does Titanic theme, and changes the words, just slightly and Neville does Head shoulders knees and toes"

Cho's eyes filled with tears as she spoke in a quavering voice.

"You know who can't do karaoke, Cedric, because he's dead!" and she ran off leaving Neville to stipulate the next person's song.

"Voldie, Bella, Something stupid." He said before running out after Cho. Voldie and Bella looked at each other. Bella was first to speak.

"Narki, Lady marmelade."

"What's that?" her intrepid sister asked.

"Five words: Voulez vous couche avec moi,"

"Oh…bad, fine but do I get to choose someone elses?"

"Yes" was the many-voiced reply.

"Draco, Emo song."

"Dammit, mother. Fine, Dumbley, I'm too sexy for my shirt,"

"Oh all right. Lets do this!" Dumbledore said and they all went to get into costume.

XxXxXx

"Hello and welcome one and all to Club Gold. Tonight, for the first time, we have some guest performers. That's right folks, new kids on the stage. Now if you like 'em, pay 'em, there's boxes on all the tables, here they are."

There was a raucous round of applause and a few wolf whistles (Severus and Dumbledore denied any knowledge) as Lucie strutted onto the stage clad in a bright orange glittery dress and shiny silver high heels.

"THOSE ARE MY HEELS!" Narki was heard to shout before the music started.

I'm going out tonight, I'm feeling alright 

Draco buried his head in his hands. Cho saw him and said,

"You know who can't be embarassed, Cedric, because he's DEAD!" and she ran off crying closely followed by Harry, Neville and half the other men in the bar. Draco snorted. Girls, more trouble than they're worth, except Pansy, no trouble at all there.

XxXxXx

The tips came in steadily throughout the evening although no more wolf whistles were heard, except for Harry which Dumbledore and Severus once again adamantly denied. Lucie did not.

Neville's rendition of Heads, Shoulders, I can't reach my toes inspired mass hysteria and much toe touching whereas Cho's altered lyrics (_Every night in my dreams, I see Ced, I feel Ced, That is how I know Ced goes on. Far across the distance…)_ inspired just as much confusion, especially coupled with her over dramatic gesturing and floods of tears.

Bella and Voldie also inspired tears but no one was really sure whether or not they were from numerous Crucio's fired into the crowd in the hopes of hitting a certain teenage boy who had forced them into singing. Everyone else threw themselves wholeheartedly into their parts, although Lucie was the star of the show. They managed to raise 40 galleons. The entire evening was summed up in these words:

YAY (Narki) 

**NEVER AGAIN** (Voldemort himself)

XxXxXx

A/N My apologises for the length of the chapter, there are many more hilarious death eater adventures to come but right now I think this is a decent enough length. Review. XXX


	4. Chapter 4

**Roadtrip**

**A Harry Potter Fanfic**

**A/N** Once again with thanks to Chemistry, Maths and German this is written. With thanks to everyone who gave me ideas and inspiration. Reviews would be appreciated including any suggestions for funny circumstances to stick death eaters into. Thank you.

**Disclaimer-** JK Rowling is rich. If this were mine I would be too. Likewise all other influences…

The middle- 

The roadtrippers spent the rest of the night in club gold, delighted that, as performers, they were given free drinks. Cho spent most of the evening lamenting that "You know who can't get drunk, Cedric, because he's DEAD!" and wailing into her butterbeer.

Neville remarked repeatedly on the absence of a certain Dark Lords nose, to the great amusement of Greyback, Narki and Draco, who were slightly more sober than the others. And Lucie almost broke his ankle, not being used to the heels, prompting this conversation with his all-suffering wife:

"Lucie," Narki sighed, " Why are you wearing those?"

"Because they're PRETTY!" Lucie squealed, attracting the attention of a few old women that were drinking vodka shots at the bar.

"I know they are so COOL. They're like silver and…"

"SHINY!" Dumbledore cut in and began crooning over Lucie's shoes. This prompted Narki back into her nagging wife mode.

"They're MY shoes and squealing is MY thing. You know Lucius Malfoy, anyone would think you were turning into a girl!" And with that she attempted to storm off, tripping over Dumbledore who was still ogling the shiny shoes and hit her head on the barstool recently vacated by the vodka-swigging pensioners.

Everything went black.

XxXxXx

"Narki? Wake up you've gotta see this." Greyback was calling to her as she came round, head thumping where she hit it on the stool. She stood up to see Snape, Voldie, Harry and Neville, dressed very strangely, dancing on a nearby table.

"This is NOT HAPPENING!" she said before passing out again.

XxXxXx

Severus awoke the next morning to find himself on the floor in the bar, dressed in a giant, pink care-bear costume complete with flashing pink heart. He stood up shakily, his head pounding and memories of the night before flooded into his head, memories he hoped were his own imagination but yet, Voldemort, in a superman costume, surely not.

Slowly he walked towards the nearest mirror and examined his reflection. He didn't look bad as a care-bear, in fact, it was rather and improvement.

"Sev, sorry to ask but…why?" Greyback asked, yawning before bursting into fits of uncontrollable laughter.

XxXxXx

A scream ripped through the air, causing everyone to wince and waking those who were still asleep after their not unremarkable consumption of alcohol the previous night. Narki and Draco, the only people capable of coherent thought and movement hurried to the source of the scream where they met with a strange and potentially traumatic sight.

Neville was wearing a cowboy hat, a red poncho, a black mini-skirt and bright pink high heels.

"What's going on?" asked Narki, not sure if she wanted to know. Draco was staring open mouthed at his classmate. Lucie, the source of the scream, looked outraged.

"That is MY mini-skirt, MY poncho and MY PINK high heels!"

"Glad you know what it feels like," Narki quipped laughing.

"You look…" Draco started to say but stopped mid sentence.

"I think the word you're looking for is sexy," Neville said, wiggling his backside alarmingly.

"Yeah that's…hey! I don't think you're sexy Longbottom!"

"Sure you don't"

XxXxXx

After everyone had been located and various strange costumes had been removed, or not in Neville's case, all of the party was assembled in the car and they continued their trip in silence, mainly due to the fact that everyone was hung over. They spent that night asleep in the car.

XxXxXx

The next morning everyone was awoken by a very un-he-who-must-not-be-named-like scream.

"What's wrong, oh wonderful, amazing, brilliant, great, excellent, talented…um…punctual one?" Bella swooned.

"THERE'S A SPIDER!" Voldie shrieked. Then, realising everyone was staring at him, said "I didn't want him to catch you unawares,"

XxXxXx

That morning in the car was rather unremarkable, except, of course, for the constant The-most-feared-Dark-wizard-of-our-age-is-scared-of-spiders-and-screams-like-a-girl jokes. That is until Bella threatened to turn the nest person to say the word "spider" into one.

The only other interesting part of the morning was a raging argument between Neville and Lucie over who owned a certain pair of pink high-heels. This was resolved by Bella, who set fire to said pair of shoes.

Around lunchtime Bella declared that she was bored.

"Well, find a way to entertain yourself." Voldie snapped, still annoyed by the spider comments.

"Like what? I haven't Crucio's anyone for days!" Bella whined.

"Who wants to play Monopoly?" Nevilla asked loudly.

"You know who can't play Monopoly…" Cho began.

"YES, CEDRIC, because he is DEAD!" Draco yelled, prompting Cho to turn around in her seat and wail hysterically until hit by 10 silencing charms.

"Right, Let's play this pathetic Muggle game!" Bella said, trying to sound uninterested.

"Bagsy car!" Neville said over-excitedly.

"Hat," was Harry's chosen counter.

"Oh, I wanted the hat, I'll have the shoe," Lucie said, promptly transfiguring the piece into a high heel.

Narki sighed, "I'll help Lucie, I doubt he can tear his eyes away from his counter for long enough to actually play,"

"I want the piece that is a muggle household appliance." Snape said, attempting to appear mysterious.

"You want the iron?" Harry asked.

"You're not supposed to guess!" Snape said, attempting to storm off but finding the fact that he was in a car, with his seatbelt on, rather impeding.

"I'll have the dog," Greyback barked.

"That leaves you the iron Bella," Narki said, smiling at the irony while setting up the counters.

XxXxXx

"Lucie, it's your go," Narki said, hitting her husband on the back of the head to tear his attention away from his previous occupation of turning his counter from pink to purple and back again. He rolled the dice and reached for his counter before wailing.

"NO, my shoe is **SLIGHTLY PALER PINK!** I can't go on!" He also tried to storm off but settled for sticking his head out of the window, "**AH!"** he continued after a while, " It's messing up my beautiful, shiny hair. Now I can't flick it over my shoulders for that sun-kissed beach look. All is lost!"

Neville would have been sympathetic if Lucie had not knocked him over on his way to the window, knocking his cowboy hat off.

Narki managed to calm Lucie down and the game continued after a fashion.

XxXxXx

" "_Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200." _Harsh Bella, that's the 17th time you've got that card," Harry said, grinning as he reached to move the iron onto the jail space, again. Bella looked livid. All of a sudden she whipped out her wand.

"Crucio!" she yelled. Nothing happened, "Dammit, it's an inanimate object, Incendio!"

The card caught fire instantaneously, quickly spreading to the board. Pandemonium ensued.

Snape and Draco dived on Bella to try and prevent her from destroying the world, Cho's silencer wore off and four sets of shrieks ripped the air:

"Cedric! Cedric! I miss you so, I love you so Cedric!"

"My shoe! My shoe! It was so pink, and pretty, it was too pretty to die!"

"My hat! My hat! Where's my hat! Cowboy hat's don't just fall off!"

"SPIDER, SPIDER, KILL IT!"

On of Bella's spells had obviously impacted as Harry had been transformed into a giant spider. Voldie proceeded to scream and cover his eyes instead of driving. Dumbledore reached forward and pulled the hand brake causing everyone to jolt forwards and fall silent.

"Lucie-CALM DOWN, it was only a shoe and it wasn't even shiny. Neville- Your hat's right there. Harry- Don't make fun of other's misfortune. Bella-…_Stupefy _And Cho…"

"You know who cant yell at me, Cedric, because he's DEAD!"

Nine stunning spells hit her full in the face. It would have been ten if spiders could speak.

XxXxXx

Dumbledore managed to return Harry to human form before getting distracted by Narki's shiny wedding ring.

Draco stunned an irate Harry before getting hit by one of Bella's stray stunners. Lucie dived in front of a stunner to protect Narki's silver high heels and Neville did the same for Lucie's orange ones. Finally, with six of their party stunned they continued on their trip.


	5. Chapter 5

**Roadtrip**

**A Harry Potter Fanfic**

**A/N**- I'm almost up to date with posting this! Shock horror, better write some more. Anyway all ordinary thanks, Chemistry and Maths, friends with ideas, reviewers and everyone else.

**Disclaimer-** Is there such a thing as ownership in this world? Should we not learn to share everything equally with all the starving children? All right, all right, belongs to JK and whoever else it belongs to, lucky them!

**Warning-** To all H/D writers out there, sorry but it's NEVER gonna happen,(no offence) as should be seen from the fact that it's a joke in here, nothing else here is ever gonna happen IS IT? NO. Anyway non-H/D shippers do not fear. I write to take the mickey, no serious slash content. Thank you.

After the middle- 

"Voldie, Voldie, SPIDER!"

"Ah! Where?"

"Nowhere, you were ignoring me."

"I hate you Narki,"

" I know. Anyway everyone who isn't stunned is half asleep, we should pull over somewhere."

"Yeah, do we have much money?"

"No,"

"Ummm…I've got an idea of how we could get this lot into a room."

"Shrinking charm, then engorgement charm?"

"You read my mind,"

"No, that's your skill,"

XxXxXx

Later Harry woke to find himself in an enlarged hotel bed with Draco, Cho and Neville. Dumbledore, Lucie, Bella, Snape and Greyback were in the other enlarged bed on the other side of the room. Voldie and Narki seemed to have discovered the mini-bar and were doing the can-can around the room.

Harry got out of the bed and was immediately attacked by Voldie who thrust a bottle of martini into his hand before continuing his can-can.

Others were also resurfacing, the stunners wearing off.

"I want a fruit-flavoured alcoholic beverage made with bacardi. I would prefer it to be the colour of the sun." Snape said, mysteriously.

"Pineapple bacardi breezer coming up,"

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GUESS!" he shrieked, accepting the drink from a rather scared looking Voldie anyway.

"You know who can't get drunk, Cedric because he's…"

"A zombie?" asked Neville.

"Dodo?" volunteered Harry.

"PELICAN!" shrieked Draco.

"Because he is DEAD!" and she stormed off wailing, again.

The boys looked at each other and raised their eyebrows.

"That went well,"

"Yeah,"

"What were we talking about?" Draco asked.

"Cho," Harry supplied cautiously.

"Oh," Draco replied, " That's nice,"

"You know Draco, you're more like your father than I thought,"

XxXxXx

Some time later- 

"I'm BORED!" Neville complained loudly, "Lucie, can I borrow your heels, I'm going to the bar,"

"I'll come too," Narki jumped up, closely followed by Greyback, Bella, Draco and Lucie. Neville ran off to collect the heels and they all trooped out towards the hotel bar, intending to create a large bar tab and refuse to pay it in the morning, just for the hell of it.

The remaining 5 people remained bored.

XxXxXx

"Hey, Who wants to play Truth or Dare?" Voldie suggested. Everyone else agreed and came to sit in a ragged circle to play.

"Sev, Truth or Dare?" Voldie asked.

"Hmmm… I would like the option that does not require me to tell the Truth,"

"Dare, right,"

Snape muttered something long the lines of "You weren't supposed to guess" before Voldie continued with an evil grin befitting only of a truly Dark Lord.

"You know how we kept that Care Bear costume…"

"NO WAY!"

"Yes way. You chose Dare."

XxXxXx

"Care bear hug…" Snape said grudgingly.

"Come on Sev! Put some enthusiasm into it!" Dumbledore cheered.

"Fine!" snapped the grumpy professor, rather un-care-bear-ishly.

"Care bear hug!" he yelled before smothering Dumbledore in a choke hold.

"Truth or Dare, shiny boy?" Snape snarled releasing Dumbledore's head.

"DARE!" he squealed.

"All right, I've got an idea…"

XxXxXx

Five minutes later Dumbledore was sitting on the floor with a bright red and orange stripy beard and pink hair. He giggled madly before asking Harry:

"Truth or Dare, Potterbell,"

"Where did Potterbell come from?" Harry asked, bewildered.

"I don't know, I think it would be wise just to ignore it and answer the question" Voldie said, snickering.

"OK then, Dare. I am a Gryffindor after all." He said.

"Right! Go proclaim your love for Draco," Dumbledore said, "DRAMATICALLY!" the old wizard added, chortling.

Harry gulped. He **was** A Gryffindor after all. He wasn't about to let himself lose a game of dares to anyone, least of all Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore.

XxXxXx

_**In the bar-**_

"We are family! I got all my sisters with me!" 

Bella and Narki were singing at the tops of their voices. Everyone else was wearing rather fetching fluffy pink earmuffs. Suddenly all noise cut off and the earmuff's disappeared. Harry's magically magnified voice echoed through the room.

"Draco, my darling, my only. I've watched you from afar for all these years. You're everything I've ever wanted. Even though I've always hated you and wanted to chop you into tiny pieces and feed you to the Giant Squid. It was all a front, a lie. Your eyes, so grey, like…dust particles falling on the mantelpiece of my heart. Your hair is like the shining sun, warming my mind with your very presence. Your face, so perfect, has haunted my dreams for these past… well about five minutes actually. I always knew you were the only one for me. Draco, I love you, with all my heart."

"I love you too!"

Draco was VERY drunk.

XxXxXx

"RIGHT!" a red-faced Harry exclaimed upon returning to the hotel room, "Voldie, TRUTH OR DARE!"

"Dare…"

"I know," Harry said, his eyes glinting evilly, "Three words. Burn. Bella's. Underwear."

Harry then ducked as several lethal spells were flung at him.

"All right," Voldie capitulated as several wands were pointed at him, "Which drawer?"

"I don't know, someone go get Narki, or Lucie, they'll know where she keeps her underwear."

"Lucie?"

"He knows where every article of feminine clothing on this planet is,"

XxXxXx

Soon Bella's underwear was located and Voldie stood, poised.

"Go on, do it already," Dumbledore hissed.

"Yeah, or do you want to be beaten by the boy-who-beat-Lord-Voldemort?" Harry asked.

"I had no part in this!" Narki reiterated.

"All right, Incendio!" Fire spread.

All of a sudden Bella burst into the room. Narki and Snape, who had gone to fetch her, both denied having anything whatsoever to do with it.

"TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE, WHAT are you doing?"

"He's burning your underwear!" Dumbledore volunteered, rather unhelpfully.

"I can see THAT" Bella snapped.

"Then why did you…" he was silenced by a glare from Bella.

"I didn't want…I mean…I couldn't…it was a DARE Bella. I would never…PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

"Avada…"

"Expelliarmus! No FAIR! It's my turn to kill Voldie!" Harry yelled.

"How do you know? It could be mine!" Neville wailed.

"Is not!"

"Is too"

"Is not"

"Is too"

Bella looked from one to the other before sighing.

"Avada Kedavra" Voldie flinched away from the green light that never came, "Oh dammit! He disarmed me didn't he!" and she promptly sat down on the floor in a sulk.

"Is NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

Harry dived on Neville and the following battle outshone every battle of the Order of the Phoenix against the Death Eaters in history.

XxXxXx

"Out! Hotel's on fire!" Somebody yelled. Everyone therefore apparated out of the burning building and into the car park before the hotel exploded. Firey bits of wood rained down from the heavens.

Voldie looked around, "Oh dear"

Lucie, however, was not so philosophical. He fell to his knees, shrieking.

"Noooooooooooooooooooo! My pink high heels! My pretty dresses, gone, all gone! All is lost! I can't go on! I'm melting…melting…melting!"

Neville immediately joined him on the floor.

"Oh cruel fates! Why? They were so innocent, so pretty!"

"So shiny!" Dumbledore joined them.

"So mine" Narki hissed annoyed.

"SO embarrassing!" Draco sighed to Harry.

"So true," Harry said back.

"You know who can't lament the loss of shoes? Cedric because…"

"Because, because, because, because, because…" Geyback and Snape sang to the well known tune from the wizard of Oz.

"Because he's DEAD!"

"As you've told us,"

"Repeatedly"

And then she stormed off.

XxXxXx

**A/N** Just a quick apology for not getting this out quicker. I've been busy with original stories and Christmas and other such things. I also had the good fortune as to lose the paper for this story and only found my old notebook when I had bought a new one. Yes, the fates are cruel.


	6. Chapter 6

**Roadtrip**

**A Harry Potter Fanfic**

**A/N** Okay I know long time no publish and all that. I advise you to read the last chapter as it has been edited considerably before you start this one. Once again thanks to Biology and Maths, Mrs Warwick for the ideas she has contributed, and whoever invented the name Jemima-Roxiebell.

**Disclaimer**- Only my darling gnome Jemima-Roxiebell actually belongs to me. Everything else may be claimed in a big legal battle the likes of which this world has never seen.

Followed by- 

The Death Eaters and company left the hotel rather speedily in the car after blowing it to smithereens.

XxXxXx

"Hey, can we pull over? Toilet Stop," Draco whined from the back seat. Voldie sighed and took the next turning, a turning labelled

WYEVALE GARDEN CENTRE 

"Why are we going there?" Draco asked, disgusted.

"It has toilets."

"Ok"

So they pulled the car into a spot after a number of scrathes and a lost bumper, luckily not theirs, and all traipsed into the garden centre.

XxXxXx

"I'm a plant. This is my leaf!" squealed Narki, holding a cactus in front of her face.

"Father, you are aware that mother's gone mad, aren't you?"

"Oh," said Lucie, "That's nice"

"Father, you are aware that mother thinks she's a plant?"

"Oh," said Lucie, "That's nice"

"Father, you are aware that mother is wearing your silver high heels?"

"Oh," Lucie said. Suddenly his eyes snapped open, "THAT'S NOT NICE!" he shouted and ran off to find his wife.

Draco let out and evil-pixie-changeling-child-I-can-get-as-many-hyphens-as-voldie-without-even-trying laugh and set off back to the car to hide his father's remaining shoes and cause even more uproar.

Unbeknownst to him someone was waiting in the car park.

XxXxXx

"What's wrong Bella?" Voldie asked, trying his best to sound like he cared.

"I'm bbbbbbboooooooorrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeddddddd. Bored, bored, bored! And these pathetic, stupid, muggle, yucky PLANTS are looking at me weird. Can I crucio them? Please?"

"I suppose," Voldie sighed and took out his wand. Bella whipped out hers and they settled down for a wonderful morning of plant killing.

XxXxXx

"Is that your car? Is it? Is it Blondie?" an old lady was brandishing her walking stick at Draco.

"Ummm…yeah…I suppose so." He muttered, slightly scared of the rampant granny. Truth be told she reminded him of the vodka swigging pensioners in Chater.

"You, Blondie, knocked the bumper off my car with your parking! What is the meaning of this."

"Ummm…well I suppose. Wait. I don't care about your car old woman. Now get out of my way." The bratty pureblood hissed, arrogant as ever. This was a big mistake.

"Right Blondie. That's it. Take that. And that, and that" she began hitting him with her walking stick. Draco screamed as the old lady hit him. The screams brought Fenrir and Snape running.

"Help! Help me!" Draco yelled. Snape doubled over laughing while Fenrir sunk his jaws into the old lady's walking stick. Immediately he spat it out at her feet. She lifted it up swung it around her head menacingly but lost her grip. The walking stick went flying over the car park. The four of them froze for a second, confused, before Fenrir set off after the stick and Draco ran and hid behind a nearby geranium, leaving Snape alone with the old lady.

"Hello." She said, "Are you with Blondie?"

"Who do you mean by Blondie?" Snape asked, confused that he found a person as mysterious as himself.

"Blondie. The blond one." She said.

"Oh you mean Draco?" Snape said.

"You're not supposed to guess!" the old woman screamed before running off in tears.

XxXxXxXx

Neville and Harry, meanwhile, had discovered a garden gnome and named it Jemima-Roxiebell. They were carrying it out to the car when they ran into Bella and Voldie who were having a great time.

"Diffindo, Incendio, Sectumsempra, Engoria, Ferula, Diffindo, Incendio, Sectumsempra." Bella sang, sending lethal flashes of light at all the nearby plants.

Harry and Neville tried to sneak past but Neville tripped over, sending both Harry and, more importantly, Jemima-Roxiebell, flying. Suddenly there was a flash of green light and a sound like death on wings rushing towards them. Jemima-Roxiebell fell to the ground, scorched and smoking. It's nose cracked off completely.

"Nooooooooo!" Screamed Harry, "Jemima-Roxiebell! You were too cute to die!"

"I'm not dead!" the gnome shouted indignantly. It had been hit by one of Bella's more inventive hexes, "I can never die! My horcruxes shall prevent that. I shall be all powerful! I shall rule the world!"

"Oh, so now we have two evil, immortal, noseless freaks on the loose!" Neville sighed, "And NEITHER have any fashion sense."

"Technically, he's not immotal," Voldie pointed out huffily at being linked to a gnome.

"Yes I am, yes I am!" the gnome cut in.

"Of course you are," Harry said kindly.

"Right, now I must find my loyal death…a…choo…a-choo…a-choo." The gnome began to sneeze frantically.

"I think he has hayfever," Voldie commented. Suddenly the gnome sneezed so hard he exploded into tiny pieces.

"Nnooooooooooooooooooooo! Jemima-Roxiebell, my first love, my gnome!" Harry wailed.

"You know who can't mourn the loss of a gnome?" Cho howled.

"Jemima-Roxiebell because he's dead!" Harry wailed and they both stormed off crying.

XxXxXx

**A/N-** Once again, huge apologies for the amount of time this has taken. Sorry to all those who read but I've been very busy with exams so I had to pay attention in Chemistry class. So so so so so so sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

**Roadtrip**

**A Harry Potter Fanfic**

**A/N-** Ok, quick publish this time! Cheers for me. Anyway, thanks to chemistry lessons and school in general.

**Disclaimer-**

What belongs to me- not much

What does now belong to me however much I wish it would- Harry Potter, and a giant pink teddy bear.

Before the end-

"Where do you want to go now?" Voldie asked when everyone had calmed down.

"Can we go to a cemetery or somewhere? I want to bury Jemima-Roxiebell." Harry sniffed.

"Yeah, of course we can! We're very sorry for your loss." Voldie said, unexpectedly understanding. Lucie, Narki and Neville immediately entered into a heated dispute about shoes for funerals.

XxXxXx

"Dearest departed, we are gathered here today to honour a great gnome. Although Jemima-Roxiebell's life as an animate object was short, he knew the power of love and lived his life well. We all wish to have known him better but alas, he is gone." Voldie said, "And now we commit his body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

Harry wailed and fell to his knees beside the grave. Lucie sobbed into his black PVC dress, specially bought for the day. All the others tried their hardest to look upset.

XxXxXx

"I've got an idea!" Dumbledore said when everyone except Harry had returned to the car.

"What is it?" Draco asked.

"We should visit my old friend, Cornelius Fudge at the ministry of magic. I heard he has a shiny new pen!"

Everyone agreed, after a little imperiusing and they made their way to the public entrance of the ministry of magic. Draco went in to get their name tags. He came out looking rather pleased with himself with 11 name tags in his hands and grinned as he handed them out.

"Hey, Draco, my name's not Lucinda…is it?"

"I am NOT here for a ballet lesson!" Harry snapped angrily, "It's only on Thursdays! I don't even have my tutu with me!"

"I would like to enquire as to the meaning of these letters, M, O, M, C, B, C." Snape asked haughtily.

"Man of Mystery, Care Bear Convention." Draco smirked innocently. This began an explosion of indignant sound from everyone except Narki and, not surprisingly, Draco himself.

"Narki," Dumbledore asked suddenly, "Why aren't you complaining like everyone else. Don't you know that your badge says prostitute?"

"Does it? I can't read." Narki stated matter-of-factly.

After several minutes of spell throwing everyone had crowded into the phone booth and they emerged in the ministry of magic atrium. Lucie and Dumbledore led the way to the office of Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic, Goblin Killer and ex-boyfriend of Dolores Jane Umbridge.

"Hey! Corny! How's the bowler hat society?" Dumbledore greeted his friend, " Now, I heard you had a new shiny pen…"

"Yes, yes, Alby, here you go. Now, who're your friends?"

"Hi, I'm Lord Voldemort, how are you? Can I call you Corny as well?"

Fudge very calmly strode over to his chair and fainted.

"That was exceptionally rude Corny!" Greyback tutted. The other death-eaters shook their heads despairingly before ransacking Fudge's office. Draco found several bottles of brandy which quickly disappeared.

"Hey Draco, Neville! Look at this! Love letter from Umbridge." Harry put on a falsetto voice and began to read.

_Darling Corny,_

_My love for you is only lessened by this terrible news of your death. You are my love, my one, my only. I will follow you forever with open eyes, an open mind and an open heart. I send my love presently to your family._

_Your Darling, _

_Dolores_

_(Bunnikins)_

"That's an insult to bunnies!" Narki squealed and began to cry at the great injustice to bunnies.

"Wait a sec," Bella said. She crossed to Fudge and poked him hard in the ribs, instantaneously awakening him.

"Hey! Nooooo, I'm too important to poke!"

"I knew it! You're not…"

"Dead? I know. But I can explain!"

"I was gonna say 'a cat' but whatever," Bella muttered to Voldie.

"She was driving me CRAZY! I couldn't take any more fluffy cardigans and doilies! I just couldn't take it anymore." And he burst into noisy tears. Bella screamed and leapt into Voldie's arms.

"Ahhhh! Keep the scary, snotty, crying man away from me!" she yelled before fainting from intense fear.

"You know who can't pretend to be dead? Cedric, because he IS dead!" wailed Cho before storming off, again.

"Voldie! I'm hungry! Can we have lunch?" Greyback whined.

"Draco did you forget to feed the dog again!" Voldie scolded, tutting and everyone returned to the car.


	8. Chapter 8

**Roadtrip**

**A Harry Potter Fanfic**

**Disclaimer-** Hmmm….Does writing this actually mean anything? Would this be mine if I didn't put a disclaimer? Because if so I know exactly where the backspace is…

The end-

After lunch had been eaten the roadtrippers held a meeting in the back seat of the car, all of them rather squashed.

"I do hereby call this meeting to ORDER!" Dumbldore said in his 'I'm-a-headmaster-of-Hogwarts-School-and-I-will-shoot-you-if-you-steal-my-shiny-pen voice. The death-eaters all ducked at the word 'order', screaming in a rather wimpy fashion.

"Save the shoes!" Lucie screamed, curling his feet under him. Finally, the chaos ceased and all the death eaters were refocused.

"It's been…fun. Would've been better if there had been more shininess but…"

"We've done some stuff that was good on this roadtrip," Narki put in.

"We've been on a roadtrip?" Lucius asked, confused.

"Yes dear,"

"Yes, father,"

"Yes, Lucie,"

"Oh," Lucie said calmly, "That's nice,"

"Yeah, So, let's go home." Said Harry, "I'm late for a date with a really fit girl,"

"Oh give it up Harry we all know it's Ron," Draco snorted knowingly. Harry had to be restrained from jumping on Draco by several of the other death-eaters.

"Yeh, we should go home though," Greyback said, once Harry had been hit with a calming charm and was now grinning manically at the others and trying to hug a bemused looking Neville.

"**YAY! We're going home! YAY!" **Narki and Neville chanted, dislodging Harry, before being hit by several silencing charms and a shoe, none of which hindered their attempts to make noise in the slightest.

Sadly, the roadtrippers all piled into the car and started the ignition. They set off back towards Hogwarts after the funniest trip of their lives.

XxXxXx

"Wait a sec," Voldie said suddenly, "Haven't we forgotten something?"

"You know who can't leave me alone by the ROADSIDE! CEDRIC because he's DEAD!"

XxXxXx

**A/N-**And so ends Roadtrip. Although I'm guessing I won't be able to leave this storyline alone, so there may be a Roadtrip 2. If you have any ideas then tell me. Reviews are appreciated. With thanks to the BBH's, the real roadtrippers. Love you guys, xxx.


End file.
